A Knife for the Girls
Today, I am mostly feeling fat, with a side order of "meh".
I got up this morning, and I weighed myself, like I do every Saturday. I weigh 10stone 7lb, which is a perfectly healthy weight for someone of 5ft 6, giving me a BMI of 23.something, and exactly the same as I've weighed for the last year or so. I pottered around the house for a bit, before painting my nails (the lovely, gorgeous Peridot from Chanel's new collection - beautiful) and then having a bath, followed by a shower, and getting dressed. I'm wearing this dress from Warehouse, in UK size 12, with a crocheted Urban Outfitters top over it, in size small, and a Topshop vest under it, in size 10. When I go out shortly, I'll put on a vintage Berketex suede coat, also in size 10.
On paper, that all sounds not exactly slim, but certainly not huge either. So why do I feel it? And why do I feel like I could stay in and put my pyjamas on instead? I'm not even going out-out, just round to RH's where he's cooking dinner. He wouldn't care if I was a size 30, or if I did actually show up in my pyjamas and Uggs. Why is it that my weight is the thing that dictates whether I feel happy or sad, even if it's actually exactly the same as I usually weigh?
Answers on a postcard, please.
A Knife for the Girls - The Long Blondes
Labels: Being a woman, Clothes, Long Blondes, My mental self-esteem, Weight
posted by Cat @ Saturday, September 10, 2011
8 Comments:
I wish I had an answer for that, but being a girl, I have no clue either!
But I must say: I LOVE that dress!
On paper, that all sounds not exactly slim. What? Sounds slim to me, LOL.
As for the question; why is it that my weight is the thing that dictates whether I feel happy or sad? Well, like most women the world over, I wish Iknew the answer to that, too :-)
It all about mind games really, isn't it?
Enjoy what's left of the weekend...
Lins x
Carla, I ended up changing it for a polka dot one and felt much better about myself!
Lindsay, I'm really interested to hear how you're state of mind's changed since your amazing weightloss. I always got the impression (perhaps wrongly!) that you thought everything would click into place if you were thin. Now you're super-skinny, do you feel different, see yourself being able to cope with social situations, work etc? I saw your tweet about not being able to go to London on your own and it made me so sad.
I wish I knew the answer to this as I often have days where I don't want to leave the house because of my weight! At the end of last year at uni I ended up pretty much exclusively wearing my boyfriends baggy t-shirts because I couldn't face people seeing any part of my body. It's ridiculous really, but with so many beautiful people who are enhanced to beyond that of a a barbie, it's difficult to not feel self conscious. I'm waiting for that day/night that I just feel good!
It's not like we're size 30-somethings though so honestly, we have nothing to worry about. Easier said than done though, right?!
Fashion Stereotype
Daisy-Kate, you are gorgeous! And very slim! But you're right, it's easier said than done not to worry about things. I do a lot of stuff about body image and the media in my classes, and it stuns me how many of the girls think that "normal" sizes are "big", and that teeny wee sizes are "normal".
Hi Cat,
Ummm, I guess that my state of mind hasn't changed a great deal. Certainly not as much as I had hoped, or expected, it to have done. For the most part, I still feel like the 'fat girl' trying to hide herself away from life; trying not to be noticed, etc.
Of course, I DO feel more confident about how I look, and because of which, I am venturing out & about far more than I ever have over the last decade! But, there's still room for improvement. I STILL have the mentality that life is something to get through as quickly, & as painlessly, as possible! And it saddens me to admit that I still feel inferior to (pretty much) everyone I meet.
As for you being under the impression that *I* believed that everything would click into place if/when I was slim well, no, you certainly aren't wrong about that. For some reason, I always believed that 'slim' people had the ideal life; that nothing troubled them. They had bags of confidence. No insecurities. And that they could have their choice of men, LOL. Well, sadly, I've found that to be untrue. Certainly in my case. As I said above, yes, I look vastly different to that sad, unhappy/unhealthy 20+ stone person but, for the most part, I still try & avoid being a part of life/society, etc.
Yes, I often think about returning to work, and socialising etc. And, many a time, I actually relish the idea of working again; filling my day, having a 'proper' routine & forming some, much-needed, friendships. But, sadly, I can't seem to get away from being that overweight, ugly, laughed at, picked upon, 'fat girl. It's like a still expect to be treated in that way if, and when, I inevitably, have to go back to work. So, for the most part, I am still trying to remain in the shadows. Not waiting to jump myself; rather it's a case of waiting until I am pushed.
I think there are other issues at hand though. I have never, ever, felt like an adult and I think that's one of my main problems. I still feel like a little girl, wanting to be looked after by her parents, and not wanting to have any responsibilities, etc. I talk about having a relationship again but, in reality, I'm not sure that is true. I still get embarrassed by male attention, and I can't quite imagine ever being in a proper relationship...
Sad, I know, but oh so true...
Hope this answer your question :-)
x
Thanks for your very candid reply, Lindsay – it made me really sad to read it. I always thought your idea that slim people have no problems was a very naïve one – I can only look at my own experience here, but life’s certainly problem free at a size 10! I’ve battled with depression all my adult life. I worry about how I look all the time, I stress about relationships and friendships, work is a constant pressure, and I also worry about money, bills, my mortgage etc. That’s just part of everyday life for most people, regardless of what size they are. When I have days when I feel rubbish or like hiding away, I have no choice but to put on some lippie and get out and face the music! On the flipside to that, I see girls every day who are big and beautiful and (outwardly at least) brimming with confidence, out shopping and having fun with friends. As for the “choice of men” thing, I have two friends who’re both bigger girls (bigger than you ever were) and while both are now married, they used to be fighting the men off at every corner when they were single! I’ve had spells of being single and miserable, as well as being single and loving it, and while I’m now happy and settled with RH, there are lots of demons from my past, abusive relationships which threaten to overwhelm things at any moment. I consider myself very, very lucky to have met someone who’s so patient and understanding with me.
It’s interesting that you say you feel you’ve never really grown up and felt like an adult. I can’t really relate to that, as I moved out of home when I was at uni, and have owned my own house since I was 25, but I do think you may be onto something there. To me (as a complete outsider) I wonder if your parents have partly facilitated you not being very happy by allowing you to stay at home for so long, and while obviously being supportive, not pushing you. I guess there’s a whole raft of connections there – until you have a job it’s hard to meet people, until you meet people you’re unlikely to come across suitable fellas, until you have an income you couldn’t move out, even if you wanted to. In many ways though, I'm quite envious of your life with not many responsibilities in terms of bills etc, and having so much free time, no work stress and so on.
Would you consider going back into therapy to try and get some answers to why you feel the way you do? Maybe it would help? On the flipside to that, I also think that sometimes its’ better to step out of your comfort zone and face your fears head on instead of navel gazing – you might surprise yourself!
Catxx
Thanks Cat for your candid reply, too :-)
Lots to think about and yes, I do think more therapy is needed but, been there, done that.
As you say, maybe it would be best for me to (finally) bite the bullet and face my fears head on. (Feel the fear and do it anyway!) LOL. I've spent far too long avoiding life, etc.
I would like to respond with a (somewhat)intelligent reply but, for some reason, my mind is numb! Haha.
Seriously though, thanks for sharing your own, personal, experiences with me. I guess I STILL have lots of growing up to do!
I KNOW that many people are envious of my 'easy/carefree' exsistance. I would be too if the roles were reversed, and if it is any consolation, I DO feel like a complete *sh1t* for taking the easy option in life....
...I just cannot seem to make that first step.
:-(
Lins x
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