Tell It Like It Is
One of the reasons my room-mate at work left her rather glamorous former career to join me in our new rather less than glamorous one is that she and her husband want to start a family. In her new role, she'll receive a decent maternity package, and will be able to return to work part-time with little inconvenience for anyone.
She's playing, if you will, the long game.
They don't have immediate plans. But, she commented, at 31, she wasn't sure when the right time was. After all, she told me, fertility drops by 50% at 30, and then by another 25% at 35.
I laughed. I said I was past it. She looked at me sympathetically and asked if I'd consider having a family on my own. I was, in all honesty, a bit taken aback. Because surely the sisterly response is to say, no, of course you're not. You'll meet someone. Even if you think there's as much chance of that person riding across town on a unicorn as ever being kissed again, it's just the rules. Like you say, no, you look gorgeous, not fat at all. It's what women do.
So. There we have it. I am officially washed up.
Of course, I've come across these figures before. After all, I read every women's magazine I can lay hands on. And (former) Colleague K was a dedicated Daily Mail fan. But I've never heard them actually spoken so matter of factly (and entirely without malice) in conversation. They've stuck in my head, where they mill round and round and round. Like an earworm, only far less pleasant.
It's said there are lies, damn lies, and statistics. But sometimes statistics are hard facts. Fact.
How can it be that I am only 25% as fertile as I was six years ago? I didn't wake up on my 35th birthday earlier in the year looking or feeling older. Did another quarter of my eggs suddenly become sub-standard during that night? And while my fertility may only be sitting at 25%, in real terms it's actually zero. Given that I'm not having the sex, the chances of my falling pregnant are, clearly, nil.
This morning I woke at 5am on blood-soaked sheets. Gut-wrenching stomach pains told me my body is, at least, still able to get pregnant, even if my eggs may be past their sell by date.
Today I have been mostly clutching a hot water bottle and gobbling Nurofen Plus.
Sometimes being a girl is proper bobbins. And being old plain stinks. On days like this, I wish I had a big garden in the middle of the countryside. I'd go out and howl and wail and shout until I was hoarse. I'm certain that would make me feel better.
Here, everyone can hear me scream. So I don't. Sometimes it's hard to keep silent though.
Tell It Like It Is - Cast
Labels: Fertility, Modern Life is Rubbish, Period Pain, Work
posted by Cat @ Saturday, May 03, 2008
17 Comments:
Those are the statistics, but lots of women have babies in their late 30's early 40's - I know quite a few.
As a mother myself I can say in all honesty I wouldn't swap motherhood BUT it is not the be all and end all of existance. It's quite easy to talk about parenthood in theory (like your colleague is), but the reality is so much bigger than cute babies -it's the biggest change your life will ever have. Forever. It's not for everyone and it doesn't make you a lesser person if you don't become a parent.
I don't much like your work friend... ;)
Never worry so much, your as old as you feel and you could have kids till your 50 given half the chance.
I've given so much thought to kids and families this year, mum would love grandchildren but the more I think on it the more I realise I am not the maternal type and certainly at the moment don't plan on having kids. I always thought I would have them single but now I am just not sure, but who knows I may meet someone in the future and change my mind!
Now get back on the sofa with a book and that hot water bottle and some Green & Blacks :)
Cheeky cow!How utterly impertinent.
Hey but what a great reason to go into teaching- for the maternity pay!
She's a cracker, that one.
Your colleague sounds like a self-centred type to me. She was incredibly stupid to reply as she did. I think making negative remarks about someone's fertility is crap.
I'm glad I'm not her baby.
It's a fact about fertility declining but it's also a fact that you're not past it at all at 35. I know a lot of people who had babies between 35 and 40.
Obviously all the men in your vicinity are idiots.
You should go to Sweden. I've heard it's good there.
(Yo!)
Anon, thanks for your insights. I agree that being a parent isn't the be-all and end-all, and that not having children doesn't make someone a lesser person. I think it's more that I've reached an age where I'm having to accept that bad choices I've made in the past mean that I'm not going to have a choice.
Alison, my mum never stops talking about the child of a former colleague of hers who she seems to have adopted as a surrogate grand-daughter. It makes me feel so sad and guilty, although I think my brother and his girlfriend will probably make her a grandma proper in time.
Misssy, her husband actually said to her that she should just give it up and go back to what she used to do (which is more your field than mine - The Whirlwind would love to poach her!) but she's adamant that it will pay off in the end.
Yaeli, in fairness, she was talking about her own siuation, not mine. I don't think she's self-centred per se, just very self-confident, which seems to make her lacking in empathy.
Timbo!!!! You're back! It's been a long time, and I am very glad to see you round here. Don't stay away too long now!
while the office roommate may not be all that self-centered, she's certainly oblivious! and she seems to have her future planned out well - should be entertaining to watch as things don't follow 'the plan'.
as for screaming? this is why i adore amusement parks and gigantic rollercoasters! this is a place were it is acceptable - in fact expected - that you scream at the top of your lungs! great therapy. bad for the hair...
Anyone who reads the Daily Mail and quotes it as a source should be made to eat every single page of that bigotry-infested propaganda pamphlet and spat at.
My two best friends had babies in their late 30s without fertility treatment. My antenatal classes have women in their late 30s having their first babies. I know friends of friends who have had first babies in their early forties with or without fertility treatment. Take on board on the statistics but don't think they necessarily will apply to you.
In this day and age, it's quite possible to have children well into your 50's. Possibly beyond!
Never give up hope...
...you never know what's around the corner!
Snuggle up on the sofa with a good book, your hot water bottle and some Green & Blacks :)
I hope that you feel *human* again soon ;-)
Hugs,
xx
Urgh. What a rubbish person to have to share an office with. Next time she asks you if her arse looks a bit lardy in the new skirt, you know what to do...
Cat, one of my best friends met her husband at 37, married at 38, had two kids by 41. Please don't despair. Oh and BTW, she's miserable at the moment.
And then there's my friend L who unexpectedly found herself w/ her child (her first) at the age of 45 and now has a beautiful, healthy and happy one-year-old daughter.
Statistics are just numbers. xxxx
Daisy, I could really use a visit to a big old amusement park at the moment...
Ariel, hello, thanks for that - I am not quite sure who your vitriol was for, but it's very welcome!
Planethalder, I suppose it's the not knowing whether they'll apply or not that's the scary thing.
Lindsay, I'm not sure I'd have the energy even now, never mind at 50!
Hannah, that would never happen. For one, she doesn't do skirts. And secondly, she would never, ever ask.
Cody Bones and Bob, those are the stories I need to hear, although the part about being miserable is a bit worrying, Cody.
Daisy, I could really use a visit to a big old amusement park at the moment...
Ariel, hello, thanks for that - I am not quite sure who your vitriol was for, but it's very welcome!
Planethalder, I suppose it's the not knowing whether they'll apply or not that's the scary thing.
Lindsay, I'm not sure I'd have the energy even now, never mind at 50!
Hannah, that would never happen. For one, she doesn't do skirts. And secondly, she would never, ever ask.
Cody Bones and Bob, those are the stories I need to hear, although the part about being miserable is a bit worrying, Cody.
I'd get yourself on Google and look tose figures up, if I were you. I'm pretty sure they're wrong. Fertility does indeed tail off at something like 30 and 35, but not that sharply. I think it's more like 10% lost at each milestone. Also, those statistic include everyone. If you're relatively healthy, your chances will be better than the average.
I had my first child at 32, I'll be 39 when my second is born (due in 8 weeks). The first time it took me 3 months to get pregnant, the 2nd time it took four months. My sister had her first child at 39 and her second at 42, and got pregnant quickly both times. Clearly you can't generalise out from specifics, but I simply don't believe that 75% of women who try for a child and are aged over 35, fail to get pregnant. It's certainly not my experience based on the women I know. I only have one infertile friend, which makes it about 20%, I think.
P.S. Also, be careful when reading statistics. For instance, if they say your fertility rate drops another 20% at a certain age, they mean 20% of the previous total - not 20% of the original. So it's less than it sounds.
Clare, hello - you've reminded me of Big Blogger! Thanks for your input, I must admit that I am suspicious of statistics (particularly as my maths is shocking!) but those really struck me as being scary. I suppose that's what they're meant to do, though.
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